So, I have obviously been out of touch lately. I finally moved.....in with Drew. It is only temporary until I can find another place, and it is not going too well. Things are not going well between us period. But I will post that soon. For now, I thought I would tell you about my day yesterday, with a few minor details from the recent past that added to it.
So if you have read my previous blogs, you know that my ex is a psycho freak. He has a new "girlfriend" (I wonder how long she will hang around, not getting laid) and she apparently is quite good with guns. My ex and her shared with my boys (both under the age of 10) that she is really good with sniper rifles, she had training, and could shoot mommy from a mile away and nobody would ever know who did it. She proceeded to tell them about Mach 10 rifles and 50 caliber pistols that she shot as well. Then my older of the 2 boys was on the internet and wanted to see what these guns looked like, so he began to google them. His dad put a big halt to that - good, right? Not so much. He told them that he could not look that stuff up on the internet, because when something does happen to his mom, they would come looking for him. Newsflash dumbass - they already will. I have a restraining order against him, which he has violated a bunch, he has gotten arrested twice for violating (should have been more), he is on probation, there is also a no contact order, and I work very closely with the police and report everything he does to harass us. Recently, he has also fucked with the gas line to Drew's house, turned the BBQ on, which exploded in Drew's face, and has been stalking us non-stop.
So Sunday, we took the kids for a walk, and of course, my ex drives right by with 3 minutes of us leaving the house, and as soon as he realizes I saw him, he speeds away. I, of course made a report, since he is not allowed to be that close to the house, and he was clearly watching us. We live in an area that he would never come to, except to stalk or harass us.
Needless to say, I have been more than a little stressed out.
So here we get to yesterday:
I get the kids all off to school. It was a shitty schedule in the morning, being as that my daughter got to be at school less than an hour before a doctors appointment, but hey, an hour of quiet time, is sometimes very much needed!
So I go out to get in the car, and realize that I have 4 flat tires. Accidental? Not likely. I am already running late, so I quickly go air them up, go get my daughter, and one was almost completely flat again. I also had to pick up my son because he gets out too early, and her appointment was going to take too long. So I go pick him up, go re-air up my tires, (of course had to go to 3 gas stations to find one available) and go to her appointment. We walk through the door, only to hear "her appointment was rescheduled for next week". WHAT??? So, we go back to the car to find a tire with air escaping quickly. I decided to just take it Les Schwab right then. I Walk in the door, with a ton of L.S. receipts in hand, only to find out that I have been deleted from their system. This was not coincidence. My used-to-be best friend is now best friends with my ex, and her BF was a Les Schwab manager. However, they were nice, fixed my tires, and I was on my way. I took my daughter back to school, then took meds to 2 others that I had forgotten to give them in the morning (where 3 people said "you do not look so good", "you looked stressed, and "are you ok"?), and started to go home to take a breather. Not so fast. My youngest tells me on the way home that when they were playing ball on the playground, 2 boys told his brother that they were going to get a shot gun and kill him. Ok - phone in hand, I called the school and demanded that be dealt with. I will say that the principal was amazingly efficient and effective and did her job well. She even complimented my older boy at how observant he was since he had to pick them out of pictures, and my youngest at how fast he told mommy what happened. :)
Unfortunately, the principal called me right as I had just fallen asleep. uugghhh! Oh well, atleast she dealt with it. By then, it was time to get ready to go pick up the kids and take them to their counselor. It is always joyful to hear how they love their dad so much, and can not wait to see him again. As much as I hate that, I will continue to let them feel how they need/want to feel about the douchebag. Anyway, we got home about 6, I fixed dinner, we ate, and right as they are going to bed I hear "mom, I forgot to do my homework". UUGGHH!!! I simply had nothing more in me. I replied "not my problem, I will get you up early in the morning - good night".
I am so tired, stressed out, and really need a break.
Thanks for reading :)
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Childhood memories - venting
Everyone has memories from when they were young. Some memories are better than others. That even holds true for me. I do not have a lot of good memories, but there are a few. Like when I would get to spend the night with my paternal grandmother. Or when I got a new babysitter called a horse.
But looking at my good memories, I notice something. There are reasons that those are good memories. Those are the times when bad things are not happening. When I stayed at my grandma's, my dad was not around to hurt me. When I got my horse, that was my new escape. Since I did not go to school, I would get up early, go
saddle up my horse, and go riding. I would stay gone all day long. I knew I needed to be home for dinner, but if I had gone home early, chances were pretty good that the door would have been locked anyway. That is how my parents dealt with us. By NOT dealing with us. They would lock us outside whether it was snowing or sunny.
One summer I ended up with 3rd degree sunburn on my back and shoulders because I had only a tanktop on, and was not allowed to go inside to get anything else to wear. To make it worse, my mother decided that something cold would soothe it, so she put on butter. Note to all you parents: grease on sunburns do NOT help, unless you are
trying to make it worse. But I never said my mother was smart.
Anyway, I do have a lot of bad memories though, and writing about them might be
therapeutic, so here goes.
One of my earliest memories is of my paternal grandfather dying very unexpectedly. I was almost 3. Even that young, I remember that night like it was yesterday. The waking up from the phone ringing. The gasp in my parents voices as they heard the news. Them coming in to tell us the news. Them calling my other grandparents to have them come babysit my sister and I, so they could go do whatever it is that they needed to do. Me being so angry, that they would not let me go with them, so I could bring him back too life. It was the beginning of a life of bad events.
My dad was adopted as an infant, and he never felt accepted by anyone. So I think that by him molesting me, it made him feel like I was accepting him. I am in no way defending him, and I absolutely hate him and my mother for what they did to me. I thought if I did not put up a fight, and just accepted that this was what he did, that they would treat me better. That never happened. I was still beaten with wodden spoons, had wooden hangers broken over my head and back, belted for anything or nothing, completely isolated from people, not allowed to participate in school
events, for the few years that I did go, the list goes on. I remember one time, I was chosen to play the witch in the play "Hansel and Gretel". I was in 1st grade, and everyone wanted that part, so for me to have gotten chose was a huge honor. I went home and told my parents, and they immediately called the teacher and said I was not allowed to be in the play because they did not have the time to bother with it. They never did have the time to bother with me, unless it was to abuse me in one
way or another. They could not even bother to buy me a birthday or Christmas present. They always bought everyone else presents, but not me. Even my sister got gifts, but their excuse was, well she is older, and when she moves out we will be able to afford to buy you gifts.
Other bad memories are of when we would eat. For breakfast, they would feed us shredded wheat with water, because milk was too expensive. For dinner we would eat potato soup that consisted of potatoes, water, and salt.
One morning, we ate our "cereal" and as we ate, my parents left. They said they were going to my grand parents and would be back in an hour. Now they only lived 1/4 mile away, so it was not that big of a deal. But they were gone for what seemed like a long time, and when we tried to call, they would not answer. So my sister and I walked over to my grand parents and the door was locked - of course. So we rang the door bell, and my grandma answered. We said we wanted to talk to mom and dad. She said they were eating but would be home in a few minutes. It smelled so good and I asked what they were eating. She said she had fixed banana nut waffles, bacon,
and eggs. We asked if we could have some and she said there was not enough for us. WTF???
Other memories are of us getting kicked out of churches, because my parents would steal from the offering plate, as it was passed around. (no - I am not kidding) They also used to tell us not to eat breakfast, because we would get food at church. Another note: "communion" (aka 1 TBS of grape juice and a mouse size crumb of matzah) is NOT breakfast!
Looking back, I realize what horrible people they are. They are as bad today as they were back then.
They steal from my mom's work by coming up with new "emergencies" that need to be paid right away, so all the employees chip in to help them out. They cheat on their taxes, they lied to social security so my dad qualified for disability. There is nothing that they have, that was legitimately earned or deserved - including me. I wish I had a better family. One I could be proud to be a part of, not ashamed of who I am because of. Anyone want to adopt me?
I should put a "family for sale" ad up on Craigslist. Maybe someone might see my potential :))
Lol!!
But looking at my good memories, I notice something. There are reasons that those are good memories. Those are the times when bad things are not happening. When I stayed at my grandma's, my dad was not around to hurt me. When I got my horse, that was my new escape. Since I did not go to school, I would get up early, go
saddle up my horse, and go riding. I would stay gone all day long. I knew I needed to be home for dinner, but if I had gone home early, chances were pretty good that the door would have been locked anyway. That is how my parents dealt with us. By NOT dealing with us. They would lock us outside whether it was snowing or sunny.
One summer I ended up with 3rd degree sunburn on my back and shoulders because I had only a tanktop on, and was not allowed to go inside to get anything else to wear. To make it worse, my mother decided that something cold would soothe it, so she put on butter. Note to all you parents: grease on sunburns do NOT help, unless you are
trying to make it worse. But I never said my mother was smart.
Anyway, I do have a lot of bad memories though, and writing about them might be
therapeutic, so here goes.
One of my earliest memories is of my paternal grandfather dying very unexpectedly. I was almost 3. Even that young, I remember that night like it was yesterday. The waking up from the phone ringing. The gasp in my parents voices as they heard the news. Them coming in to tell us the news. Them calling my other grandparents to have them come babysit my sister and I, so they could go do whatever it is that they needed to do. Me being so angry, that they would not let me go with them, so I could bring him back too life. It was the beginning of a life of bad events.
My dad was adopted as an infant, and he never felt accepted by anyone. So I think that by him molesting me, it made him feel like I was accepting him. I am in no way defending him, and I absolutely hate him and my mother for what they did to me. I thought if I did not put up a fight, and just accepted that this was what he did, that they would treat me better. That never happened. I was still beaten with wodden spoons, had wooden hangers broken over my head and back, belted for anything or nothing, completely isolated from people, not allowed to participate in school
events, for the few years that I did go, the list goes on. I remember one time, I was chosen to play the witch in the play "Hansel and Gretel". I was in 1st grade, and everyone wanted that part, so for me to have gotten chose was a huge honor. I went home and told my parents, and they immediately called the teacher and said I was not allowed to be in the play because they did not have the time to bother with it. They never did have the time to bother with me, unless it was to abuse me in one
way or another. They could not even bother to buy me a birthday or Christmas present. They always bought everyone else presents, but not me. Even my sister got gifts, but their excuse was, well she is older, and when she moves out we will be able to afford to buy you gifts.
Other bad memories are of when we would eat. For breakfast, they would feed us shredded wheat with water, because milk was too expensive. For dinner we would eat potato soup that consisted of potatoes, water, and salt.
One morning, we ate our "cereal" and as we ate, my parents left. They said they were going to my grand parents and would be back in an hour. Now they only lived 1/4 mile away, so it was not that big of a deal. But they were gone for what seemed like a long time, and when we tried to call, they would not answer. So my sister and I walked over to my grand parents and the door was locked - of course. So we rang the door bell, and my grandma answered. We said we wanted to talk to mom and dad. She said they were eating but would be home in a few minutes. It smelled so good and I asked what they were eating. She said she had fixed banana nut waffles, bacon,
and eggs. We asked if we could have some and she said there was not enough for us. WTF???
Other memories are of us getting kicked out of churches, because my parents would steal from the offering plate, as it was passed around. (no - I am not kidding) They also used to tell us not to eat breakfast, because we would get food at church. Another note: "communion" (aka 1 TBS of grape juice and a mouse size crumb of matzah) is NOT breakfast!
Looking back, I realize what horrible people they are. They are as bad today as they were back then.
They steal from my mom's work by coming up with new "emergencies" that need to be paid right away, so all the employees chip in to help them out. They cheat on their taxes, they lied to social security so my dad qualified for disability. There is nothing that they have, that was legitimately earned or deserved - including me. I wish I had a better family. One I could be proud to be a part of, not ashamed of who I am because of. Anyone want to adopt me?
I should put a "family for sale" ad up on Craigslist. Maybe someone might see my potential :))
Lol!!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
My "index"
I have had so many things happen in my life, that I really have no idea where to start. So I figured I would put up an index and start at the beginning. Of course my current events will take presidence , but I will blog about past events as time allows so you can get to know the true me.
Age: 0 to 10 - molested by my father with my mothers knowledge.
Age: 0 to 12 - Was physically abused, neglected, starved, locked outside, and not allowed to have friends.
Age: 7 (2nd grade) - taken out of school to be home schooled, but then my family decided education was not important and only homeschooled my sister.
Age: 8 to 9 - molested by a family friend that was living in a half way housefor sex offenders until my parents moved him in with us.
Age: 14 - my parents decided it was time for me to get married (no - I was not pregnant) to a guy that slept with my aunt, sister, and mother. He was 18.
Age: 15 - got divorced because he slept with a 12 year old.
Age: 15 - stopped talking to my sister because my parents kicked her out and then told me she wanted nothing to do with me. They told her the same thing about me. That lasted for over 10 years.
Age: 17 - Got my first "real" proposal. My parents forbid me to ever see him again, and told him I did not have the guts to tell him how I really felt.
Age: 18 to year 2009 - Finally found my husband that would "rescue me" from my family. Yeah right. I lived through getting hit, punched, kicked, belted, and even burned until I left him last year. (Thankyou Drew for helping me) I also lived with sex about twice a year since he was a cross-dressing homosexual. (*NOTE* I do NOT have a problem with gay people. I have a problem with that one gay person, and I have a huge problem with the fact that he wasted the best years of my life pretending to be something he was not, and dragging me through it all with him. I could have found someone that wanted to be married to me.)
Age: 20 - Moved 400 miles away from my family because he thought it was best for work. It was supposed to last 6 months. That was 12 years ago.
Age: 27 - My first son ended up in a correctional facility. He was 12
Age: 28 to current - continued to live with my husband, getting beaten up worse as each year passed. He also started having affairs, with guys of course. I tried to find things that would occupy my time such as volunteering at the kids' schools.
I needed something to give me a reason to get away some times. That is where John comes into play. He changed my life and saved me, and does not even know it. Finally, I decided if my husband could have affairs, so could I.
I met a few people online, including Drew. I ended up having a threesome with the first guy I met (not Drew) and another girl, although I already knew Drew and I lied to him about it, along with a lot of other things too. (the John situation will help all of this make sense. Not the threesome, but the lies)
Last year, I moved me and my kids in with Drew as I left my husband for good. I got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. He contested the restraining order, and when I showed up to the hearing, my parents were there to testify against me, and they did just that. The judge did not buy it, and the restraining order was upheld. That was it for the relationship between me and my parents. The only time I have talked to them since was 5 days later when they called to tell me that my aunt committed suicide. Also, my sister sided with my husband, so I don't talk to her either. And all of this is at the same time as falling in love with Drew, giving him my heart, and moving out of his place into my own, at his insistance. He made it sound like it was best so he could "get his life back" but he is here almost every night, so he apparently likes his "new life". Ok - not so much. He does not hide his feelings about being here 99% out of obligation. Great relationship, right? In my first post, you will see that I had a "?" about us having a relationship. Now you know why. Ok, I will start writing chapter by chapter soon.
Enjoy reading.
Age: 0 to 10 - molested by my father with my mothers knowledge.
Age: 0 to 12 - Was physically abused, neglected, starved, locked outside, and not allowed to have friends.
Age: 7 (2nd grade) - taken out of school to be home schooled, but then my family decided education was not important and only homeschooled my sister.
Age: 8 to 9 - molested by a family friend that was living in a half way housefor sex offenders until my parents moved him in with us.
Age: 14 - my parents decided it was time for me to get married (no - I was not pregnant) to a guy that slept with my aunt, sister, and mother. He was 18.
Age: 15 - got divorced because he slept with a 12 year old.
Age: 15 - stopped talking to my sister because my parents kicked her out and then told me she wanted nothing to do with me. They told her the same thing about me. That lasted for over 10 years.
Age: 17 - Got my first "real" proposal. My parents forbid me to ever see him again, and told him I did not have the guts to tell him how I really felt.
Age: 18 to year 2009 - Finally found my husband that would "rescue me" from my family. Yeah right. I lived through getting hit, punched, kicked, belted, and even burned until I left him last year. (Thankyou Drew for helping me) I also lived with sex about twice a year since he was a cross-dressing homosexual. (*NOTE* I do NOT have a problem with gay people. I have a problem with that one gay person, and I have a huge problem with the fact that he wasted the best years of my life pretending to be something he was not, and dragging me through it all with him. I could have found someone that wanted to be married to me.)
Age: 20 - Moved 400 miles away from my family because he thought it was best for work. It was supposed to last 6 months. That was 12 years ago.
Age: 27 - My first son ended up in a correctional facility. He was 12
Age: 28 to current - continued to live with my husband, getting beaten up worse as each year passed. He also started having affairs, with guys of course. I tried to find things that would occupy my time such as volunteering at the kids' schools.
I needed something to give me a reason to get away some times. That is where John comes into play. He changed my life and saved me, and does not even know it. Finally, I decided if my husband could have affairs, so could I.
I met a few people online, including Drew. I ended up having a threesome with the first guy I met (not Drew) and another girl, although I already knew Drew and I lied to him about it, along with a lot of other things too. (the John situation will help all of this make sense. Not the threesome, but the lies)
Last year, I moved me and my kids in with Drew as I left my husband for good. I got a restraining order, and filed for divorce. He contested the restraining order, and when I showed up to the hearing, my parents were there to testify against me, and they did just that. The judge did not buy it, and the restraining order was upheld. That was it for the relationship between me and my parents. The only time I have talked to them since was 5 days later when they called to tell me that my aunt committed suicide. Also, my sister sided with my husband, so I don't talk to her either. And all of this is at the same time as falling in love with Drew, giving him my heart, and moving out of his place into my own, at his insistance. He made it sound like it was best so he could "get his life back" but he is here almost every night, so he apparently likes his "new life". Ok - not so much. He does not hide his feelings about being here 99% out of obligation. Great relationship, right? In my first post, you will see that I had a "?" about us having a relationship. Now you know why. Ok, I will start writing chapter by chapter soon.
Enjoy reading.
The one year anniversary
Drew and I met one year ago on Saturday. It was a special day to me, and I made that pretty clear to him. (In over 10 years of marriage, I never got to celebrate our anniversary, and he usually forgot, along with my birthday - but that's a different chapter) We talked a week ago about what we would do to celebrate, and he said we would go back to the place where we first met. How sweet and romantic. Well, he stayed home Friday night, so we did not get to wake up next to each other Saturday morning. Then he sends me this "I am going to be really busy the next few weeks, so don't expect much out of me" email first thing Saturday morning, without so much as a good morning included. WTF?? Ok, he finally said he would be over around 1:00. So I made sure the house was clean, I had a babysitter lined up, got all showered, and went and bought him a gift. He finally shows up about an hour late in sweats and a t-shirt. No hug or kiss, and certainly no flowers or gifts. I did not say anything him, thinking he was going to surprise me later. We took the kids out bike riding for a while, and still nothing. Finally he made a few comments to the kids about getting movies for him and I to watch, and that maybe we would go out, so if they go to bed early it would be fine with him. Whew... finally my brain was relaxing. He remembered!! He asked what I had planned for dinner, and I told him I did not plan anything because I did not know what plans he had. He said he had no plans and then he started drinking. Uh oh. If he was drinking, he clearly was not planning on driving. Ok, maybe he wanted to have a nice romantic dinner and just cuddle on the couch. I went to the store and bought ingredients for lemon drops. By now, I was really irritated and frustrated. Not only was he not planning on going out, he had not even acknowledged the day yet. When I got back home, I drank some wine with him, a couple lemon drops, and then more wine. We ate dinner, and when the kids went to bed, he went to the couch, layed down, and started watching tv. I could not hold it in any longer. I was angry. I finally said, " There is no good answer here. You have 2 choices. Either you are an asshole that just does not feel that it is important enough to acknowledge, or you are an asshole that just completely forgot - your choice". His reply "about what"? My reply: "THE DAY" (screaming loudly). He simply said "sorry, I forgot". Sorry babe, not good enough. I am still so angry at him. He acknowledges that he fucked up and should have made it more special for me, but somehow that is just not good enough. He asked if I wanted him to try to make it up to me. Umm... no thanks. First of all, it was THAT ONE DAY that was special, and second... do not ASK a girl if she wants you to do that. Do it on your own you fucking moron! I had bought him a book that he wanted, and enclosed a hand written note inside. When he finally unwrapped his gift, I took the note out before he could see it and crumpled it up. That upset him. He said it was pretty fucked and wanted to read it. Maybe it was fucked, but not a chance in hell.
I am so angry at him. He knows I hate holidays, and birthdays, and I have a really hard time celebrating them. So for me to have made a point of telling him that this was special and something I wanted to celebrate, should have made it important to him too, right? Atleast a priority, maybe. Am I just unrealistic? I have never received a birthday or christmas gift until this past year (from my parents, now that we don't talk - yeah another chapter). My family always excluded me, and just bought everyone else gifts. I could never figure out why. Even as a child, my sister would get gifts, but not me. So I had higher expectations of Drew. He keeps telling me that I need a new start to holidays, where they are made special, so I thought just maybe, he would do just that. Apparently not.
I am open to suggestions. I need advice. Am I rightfully angry? Should I just forgive, forget, and move on? Ok, I will stop venting, for now.
Thanks for reading
I am so angry at him. He knows I hate holidays, and birthdays, and I have a really hard time celebrating them. So for me to have made a point of telling him that this was special and something I wanted to celebrate, should have made it important to him too, right? Atleast a priority, maybe. Am I just unrealistic? I have never received a birthday or christmas gift until this past year (from my parents, now that we don't talk - yeah another chapter). My family always excluded me, and just bought everyone else gifts. I could never figure out why. Even as a child, my sister would get gifts, but not me. So I had higher expectations of Drew. He keeps telling me that I need a new start to holidays, where they are made special, so I thought just maybe, he would do just that. Apparently not.
I am open to suggestions. I need advice. Am I rightfully angry? Should I just forgive, forget, and move on? Ok, I will stop venting, for now.
Thanks for reading
Friday, January 8, 2010
Sex, sex, and more sex
As I mentioned previously, my sex life was pretty non-existent due to my husbands sexual desires (he is gay). I was faithful to my husband for over 13 years, but in the last year of our marriage, we had sex once. Well, I am in my 30's and extremely horny, so that was not working for me. That is how I met Drew in the first place. I went online looking to finally have some sex with someone besides myself. I have to tell you, I hit the jackpot. He is absolutely amazing in bed.
He will finger me, eat me, and fuck me for hours. He will fuck my tits, pussy, and my ass. He will go nice and slow and gentle, and he will fuck me as hard and rough and fast as he can. He will gently touch my face, kiss my ears, or kiss my head, and he will roughly grab my tits, pinch my nipples, choke me, pull my hair, and bite my clit. Most of the time, our sex consists of the rough hard sex. He likes it, and I love it. My favorite thing is for him to fuck my ass, and I can handle his dick up my ass for hours. He makes me cum over and over no matter how we are fucking, but the orgasms are so much stronger during anal sex. When we started having sex, he could make me cum 3-4 times pretty easily, which I thought was awesome. I thought "I" was the only one that could make me cum during sex. Before Drew, I had only had a handful of orgasms without masturbating. That has certainly changed. One weekend a few months ago, we decided to stay in bed and of course have sex. After an all day fuck-fest, he had made me cum 17 times. Nice, huh? Well, he has since hit the big "50"! When I cum, I get sensitive for a few minutes, so I make him stop. But, recently he has stopped listening to me, and just keeps fucking or eating me to the next orgasm. When he is eating me out, he will lick my pussy, tongue fuck it, flick my clit with his tongue, nibble on my pussy lips, and finally bite my clit. When he ignores my request for him to stop, he can get me off quickly again over and over. He can usually give me 4-5 orgasms at a time. They are breath-taking, squirming, screaming orgasms too. When he is fucking my ass, I usually have to have a pillow over my face, so I don't disturb the neighbors. Every once in a while, I forget the pillow, and he has to cover my mouth with his hand, or choke me :) I get so lost in the moment, I don't even know I am screaming. He made an audio recording of us fucking, so I could hear it. I guess I get a little loud, according to the recording. But I feel justified in screaming. Is there anything better than the feeling of a dick exploding inside your ass? Not in my opinon.
Besides him being willing to fuck me any and every way I want, he is more than happy to let me suck him off. I love the feeling of his dick growing inside my mouth, and tasting the pre-cum off the tip as he is getting harder and harder. Then he will fuck my mouth hard and fast and as he gets close to cumming, the tip of his dick swells even more. It is such a turn on and most of the time, as I am getting mouth-fucked by him, I am fingering myself to orgasm at the same time. When he cums, he will cum anywhere I want. He will cum all over my tits, he will cum in my mouth, and he will pull out of my mouth, and cum all over my face. It is hard to choose a favorite. I love the taste of his cum, but the feeling of him squirting all over my face is fucking awesome. He never seems to get tired of fucking me either. He fucked my ass last night, then fucked my mouth and exploded all over my face this morning. What a way to wake up :)
I love having sex with Drew. He is by far the best lover I have ever had, or even imagined. I know that a relationship needs to consist of more than just sex, but c'mon. Who would ever give this up?
He is an amazing person, and an even better lover. I will never find anyone that pays such close attention to my body, and how I respond to his touch. He is magic, he is heaven, he is MINE!
He will finger me, eat me, and fuck me for hours. He will fuck my tits, pussy, and my ass. He will go nice and slow and gentle, and he will fuck me as hard and rough and fast as he can. He will gently touch my face, kiss my ears, or kiss my head, and he will roughly grab my tits, pinch my nipples, choke me, pull my hair, and bite my clit. Most of the time, our sex consists of the rough hard sex. He likes it, and I love it. My favorite thing is for him to fuck my ass, and I can handle his dick up my ass for hours. He makes me cum over and over no matter how we are fucking, but the orgasms are so much stronger during anal sex. When we started having sex, he could make me cum 3-4 times pretty easily, which I thought was awesome. I thought "I" was the only one that could make me cum during sex. Before Drew, I had only had a handful of orgasms without masturbating. That has certainly changed. One weekend a few months ago, we decided to stay in bed and of course have sex. After an all day fuck-fest, he had made me cum 17 times. Nice, huh? Well, he has since hit the big "50"! When I cum, I get sensitive for a few minutes, so I make him stop. But, recently he has stopped listening to me, and just keeps fucking or eating me to the next orgasm. When he is eating me out, he will lick my pussy, tongue fuck it, flick my clit with his tongue, nibble on my pussy lips, and finally bite my clit. When he ignores my request for him to stop, he can get me off quickly again over and over. He can usually give me 4-5 orgasms at a time. They are breath-taking, squirming, screaming orgasms too. When he is fucking my ass, I usually have to have a pillow over my face, so I don't disturb the neighbors. Every once in a while, I forget the pillow, and he has to cover my mouth with his hand, or choke me :) I get so lost in the moment, I don't even know I am screaming. He made an audio recording of us fucking, so I could hear it. I guess I get a little loud, according to the recording. But I feel justified in screaming. Is there anything better than the feeling of a dick exploding inside your ass? Not in my opinon.
Besides him being willing to fuck me any and every way I want, he is more than happy to let me suck him off. I love the feeling of his dick growing inside my mouth, and tasting the pre-cum off the tip as he is getting harder and harder. Then he will fuck my mouth hard and fast and as he gets close to cumming, the tip of his dick swells even more. It is such a turn on and most of the time, as I am getting mouth-fucked by him, I am fingering myself to orgasm at the same time. When he cums, he will cum anywhere I want. He will cum all over my tits, he will cum in my mouth, and he will pull out of my mouth, and cum all over my face. It is hard to choose a favorite. I love the taste of his cum, but the feeling of him squirting all over my face is fucking awesome. He never seems to get tired of fucking me either. He fucked my ass last night, then fucked my mouth and exploded all over my face this morning. What a way to wake up :)
I love having sex with Drew. He is by far the best lover I have ever had, or even imagined. I know that a relationship needs to consist of more than just sex, but c'mon. Who would ever give this up?
He is an amazing person, and an even better lover. I will never find anyone that pays such close attention to my body, and how I respond to his touch. He is magic, he is heaven, he is MINE!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The flip side of him - not so positives
So here is the history of what we have been lately. He pays my bills, buys me whatever I need, fixes meals for me and my kids, stays the night 28/30 nights, diciplines my kids, praises them, and when he is here, we are an absolute picture perfect family (ok - minus the BS of my ex). Even he admits that. But...... he is not ready to make a committment. WHAT??? He finally admits we are in a relationship, but c'mon, I have kids to think about. He is absolutely their "step-dad", without the marriage. They trust him, they love him, they cry when he is not here, and he even goes as far as to come over at the drop of a hat, "just because the kids want him to be here" if it is a night he was planning on staying home. So I am conflicted as to what to do. Do I end the relationship part of things and just be friends? We have talked a lot about us and the future and what he wants. The problem is he always says "I don't know". He won't give me any straight answers. Also, he has a few online "girlfriends" (no sex, but definitely sex talk) that he opens up to. I have read some of his emails when I was snooping, and I am so pissed that he will open up to them about his feelings for me, but not to me. Although when he was confronted, he says it was just telling them what they wanted to hear, and that is not how he really feels. But anyone that he was honest with would think he was stupid for sticking around with me and supporting me and my kids. Great! That makes me feel so much better!!! To make things more confusing, I am in the process of finding a new house. My current landlord just had his house foreclosed on, and wants to move in here. So, I tell Drew and what does Drew say? He names off 5 options, of which 3 were us living together as a family. So, of course I assume that must be something he either wants, or atleast is strongly considering. Wrong! He makes this list of all these pros and cons why he should or should not live with us. Then he decides he is just not ready. I have to be honest and tell you that I feel like he is playing mind games with me. He has said he does not know if he will ever want to live with us, and the majority of the reason he is with me is out of obligation because he "convinced me" to leave my abusive marriage. Yes my marriage was bad. Yes I needed to get me and my kids out of there. Yes I am relieved every day to not be getting beaten up or burned. Yes, I will forever love Drew for his help. But for fucks sakes. Don't stay with me, and say you love me, and be a dad to my kids, out of obligation. How is what he is doing NOT emotionally abusive? Am I just really over sensitive? He did not even have the balls to tell me he did not want to live with us. He names off the options, and the pros and cons, and then says "so I don't know what to do and I have not made any decisions". Oh great. So he is sitting around thinking about how NOT to tell me, and in the meantime, my life is on hold. I don't know what size of a house to look for, or what location to look in. In my mind, he seemed to be wanting to be a family. So I was looking in his neghborhood and at places that had an office for him, and now I have to start all over again, looking for a place in my neighborhood, where the kids can stay in their same schools, and apparently does not need an office. How the fuck do we read men? They think women are hard to read? Atleast for the most part, we speak our minds. They may not like it, but we do. Atleast I do. It is frustrating, and irritating. I know a lot of you will say, just leave him, but c'mon - the sex is really really good. And..... that seems to be all he wants from me. (yeah, another negative) I wish he wanted more. Ok - I will make our sex life the next chapter. Everyone loves that subject :)
In the meantime, he came over last night, and made the comment that the kids ignored him. He had stayed home the night before, and I told him they do not understand why he is not here sometimes. (again, only about 2 nights a month does he stay home, so to the kids, he lives here) He said it was only one night. I said it may as well be a week. They don't understand why you choose to not be here some nights. His response - "well if a day is the same as a week, I may as well stay gone a week next time". I was mad and hurt and angry. I told him here are your keys, and there is the door. What else should I have said?
Am I doing harm to my kids by letting him be around so much when he has no idea what he wants? Am I just hoping for the impossible? I am open to advice readers. Tell me what you would do?
Thanks for reading. Too boring yet? There is plenty more to come.
In the meantime, he came over last night, and made the comment that the kids ignored him. He had stayed home the night before, and I told him they do not understand why he is not here sometimes. (again, only about 2 nights a month does he stay home, so to the kids, he lives here) He said it was only one night. I said it may as well be a week. They don't understand why you choose to not be here some nights. His response - "well if a day is the same as a week, I may as well stay gone a week next time". I was mad and hurt and angry. I told him here are your keys, and there is the door. What else should I have said?
Am I doing harm to my kids by letting him be around so much when he has no idea what he wants? Am I just hoping for the impossible? I am open to advice readers. Tell me what you would do?
Thanks for reading. Too boring yet? There is plenty more to come.
Monday, January 4, 2010
THE man in my life - positives
So to understand more, you will need to know about the man in my life. Although I am going through a divorce, I am in a relationship (?) with Drew. He is an amazing person, and an even better lover. As time goes on, you will see why the ? is there. Drew is a man I met while I was still with my husband, and he was married as well. We met each other online, and our only intentions were to have sex. But that all changed. We spent hours IMing each other almost every night and quickly became friends. We have since developed a friendship that will last forever, even if we do not. Atleast that is what he is always telling me. He has since gotten divorced, and being as he has no children, his divorce was certainly a lot easier (and cheaper) than mine is. Want to guess who is paying that bill? Well, that would be my Drew. Hard to imagine, right? Well there is more. MUCH MUCH MORE! Drew pays for everything right now, for me and my kids. Their dad refuses to pay any child support, even though there is a current court order for it. He refuses to help at all. My Drew has been paying for everything - school clothes, rent, car repairs, insurance, utilities, all their birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, a tree, ornaments - I mean absolutely everything. I will never understand why Drew is willing to help us out so much, especially since we do not have good history. I will go into that more later, but let's say that because we were only planning to meet in order to fulfill each others sexual needs, I did not feel it was necessary to be honest with him. I lied to him, I slept with someone else while we were seeing each other, and I do not deserve him.
Drew is an amazing person. He claims he is selfish, but that apparently is past tense, since he has changed every aspect of his life, to fit me and my kids into it.
I love him for many different reasons, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He makes me want to be a better person.
Ok - enough bragging about him. He is not perfect, and to better understand my life, you will have to understand the flip side of Drew as well. That will be the next chapter.
Thankyou for reading.
Drew is an amazing person. He claims he is selfish, but that apparently is past tense, since he has changed every aspect of his life, to fit me and my kids into it.
I love him for many different reasons, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He makes me want to be a better person.
Ok - enough bragging about him. He is not perfect, and to better understand my life, you will have to understand the flip side of Drew as well. That will be the next chapter.
Thankyou for reading.
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