Childhood memories - venting

Everyone has memories from when they were young. Some memories are better than others. That even holds true for me. I do not have a lot of good memories, but there are a few. Like when I would get to spend the night with my paternal grandmother. Or when I got a new babysitter called a horse.
But looking at my good memories, I notice something. There are reasons that those are good memories. Those are the times when bad things are not happening. When I stayed at my grandma's, my dad was not around to hurt me. When I got my horse, that was my new escape. Since I did not go to school, I would get up early, go
saddle up my horse, and go riding. I would stay gone all day long. I knew I needed to be home for dinner, but if I had gone home early, chances were pretty good that the door would have been locked anyway. That is how my parents dealt with us. By NOT dealing with us. They would lock us outside whether it was snowing or sunny.
One summer I ended up with 3rd degree sunburn on my back and shoulders because I had only a tanktop on, and was not allowed to go inside to get anything else to wear. To make it worse, my mother decided that something cold would soothe it, so she put on butter. Note to all you parents: grease on sunburns do NOT help, unless you are
trying to make it worse. But I never said my mother was smart.
Anyway, I do have a lot of bad memories though, and writing about them might be
therapeutic, so here goes.
One of my earliest memories is of my paternal grandfather dying very unexpectedly. I was almost 3. Even that young, I remember that night like it was yesterday. The waking up from the phone ringing. The gasp in my parents voices as they heard the news. Them coming in to tell us the news. Them calling my other grandparents to have them come babysit my sister and I, so they could go do whatever it is that they needed to do. Me being so angry, that they would not let me go with them, so I could bring him back too life. It was the beginning of a life of bad events.
My dad was adopted as an infant, and he never felt accepted by anyone. So I think that by him molesting me, it made him feel like I was accepting him. I am in no way defending him, and I absolutely hate him and my mother for what they did to me. I thought if I did not put up a fight, and just accepted that this was what he did, that they would treat me better. That never happened. I was still beaten with wodden spoons, had wooden hangers broken over my head and back, belted for anything or nothing, completely isolated from people, not allowed to participate in school
events, for the few years that I did go, the list goes on. I remember one time, I was chosen to play the witch in the play "Hansel and Gretel". I was in 1st grade, and everyone wanted that part, so for me to have gotten chose was a huge honor. I went home and told my parents, and they immediately called the teacher and said I was not allowed to be in the play because they did not have the time to bother with it. They never did have the time to bother with me, unless it was to abuse me in one
way or another. They could not even bother to buy me a birthday or Christmas present. They always bought everyone else presents, but not me. Even my sister got gifts, but their excuse was, well she is older, and when she moves out we will be able to afford to buy you gifts.
Other bad memories are of when we would eat. For breakfast, they would feed us shredded wheat with water, because milk was too expensive. For dinner we would eat potato soup that consisted of potatoes, water, and salt.
One morning, we ate our "cereal" and as we ate, my parents left. They said they were going to my grand parents and would be back in an hour. Now they only lived 1/4 mile away, so it was not that big of a deal. But they were gone for what seemed like a long time, and when we tried to call, they would not answer. So my sister and I walked over to my grand parents and the door was locked - of course. So we rang the door bell, and my grandma answered. We said we wanted to talk to mom and dad. She said they were eating but would be home in a few minutes. It smelled so good and I asked what they were eating. She said she had fixed banana nut waffles, bacon,
and eggs. We asked if we could have some and she said there was not enough for us. WTF???
Other memories are of us getting kicked out of churches, because my parents would steal from the offering plate, as it was passed around. (no - I am not kidding) They also used to tell us not to eat breakfast, because we would get food at church. Another note: "communion" (aka 1 TBS of grape juice and a mouse size crumb of matzah) is NOT breakfast!
Looking back, I realize what horrible people they are. They are as bad today as they were back then.
They steal from my mom's work by coming up with new "emergencies" that need to be paid right away, so all the employees chip in to help them out. They cheat on their taxes, they lied to social security so my dad qualified for disability. There is nothing that they have, that was legitimately earned or deserved - including me. I wish I had a better family. One I could be proud to be a part of, not ashamed of who I am because of. Anyone want to adopt me?
I should put a "family for sale" ad up on Craigslist. Maybe someone might see my potential :))
Lol!!

The flip side of him - not so positives

So here is the history of what we have been lately. He pays my bills, buys me whatever I need, fixes meals for me and my kids, stays the night 28/30 nights, diciplines my kids, praises them, and when he is here, we are an absolute picture perfect family (ok - minus the BS of my ex). Even he admits that. But...... he is not ready to make a committment. WHAT??? He finally admits we are in a relationship, but c'mon, I have kids to think about. He is absolutely their "step-dad", without the marriage. They trust him, they love him, they cry when he is not here, and he even goes as far as to come over at the drop of a hat, "just because the kids want him to be here" if it is a night he was planning on staying home. So I am conflicted as to what to do. Do I end the relationship part of things and just be friends? We have talked a lot about us and the future and what he wants. The problem is he always says "I don't know". He won't give me any straight answers. Also, he has a few online "girlfriends" (no sex, but definitely sex talk) that he opens up to. I have read some of his emails when I was snooping, and I am so pissed that he will open up to them about his feelings for me, but not to me. Although when he was confronted, he says it was just telling them what they wanted to hear, and that is not how he really feels. But anyone that he was honest with would think he was stupid for sticking around with me and supporting me and my kids. Great! That makes me feel so much better!!! To make things more confusing, I am in the process of finding a new house. My current landlord just had his house foreclosed on, and wants to move in here. So, I tell Drew and what does Drew say? He names off 5 options, of which 3 were us living together as a family. So, of course I assume that must be something he either wants, or atleast is strongly considering. Wrong! He makes this list of all these pros and cons why he should or should not live with us. Then he decides he is just not ready. I have to be honest and tell you that I feel like he is playing mind games with me. He has said he does not know if he will ever want to live with us, and the majority of the reason he is with me is out of obligation because he "convinced me" to leave my abusive marriage. Yes my marriage was bad. Yes I needed to get me and my kids out of there. Yes I am relieved every day to not be getting beaten up or burned. Yes, I will forever love Drew for his help. But for fucks sakes. Don't stay with me, and say you love me, and be a dad to my kids, out of obligation. How is what he is doing NOT emotionally abusive? Am I just really over sensitive? He did not even have the balls to tell me he did not want to live with us. He names off the options, and the pros and cons, and then says "so I don't know what to do and I have not made any decisions". Oh great. So he is sitting around thinking about how NOT to tell me, and in the meantime, my life is on hold. I don't know what size of a house to look for, or what location to look in. In my mind, he seemed to be wanting to be a family. So I was looking in his neghborhood and at places that had an office for him, and now I have to start all over again, looking for a place in my neighborhood, where the kids can stay in their same schools, and apparently does not need an office. How the fuck do we read men? They think women are hard to read? Atleast for the most part, we speak our minds. They may not like it, but we do. Atleast I do. It is frustrating, and irritating. I know a lot of you will say, just leave him, but c'mon - the sex is really really good. And..... that seems to be all he wants from me. (yeah, another negative) I wish he wanted more. Ok - I will make our sex life the next chapter. Everyone loves that subject :)

In the meantime, he came over last night, and made the comment that the kids ignored him. He had stayed home the night before, and I told him they do not understand why he is not here sometimes. (again, only about 2 nights a month does he stay home, so to the kids, he lives here) He said it was only one night. I said it may as well be a week. They don't understand why you choose to not be here some nights. His response - "well if a day is the same as a week, I may as well stay gone a week next time". I was mad and hurt and angry. I told him here are your keys, and there is the door. What else should I have said?
Am I doing harm to my kids by letting him be around so much when he has no idea what he wants? Am I just hoping for the impossible? I am open to advice readers. Tell me what you would do?

Thanks for reading. Too boring yet? There is plenty more to come.