A day worth blgging about

So, I have obviously been out of touch lately. I finally moved.....in with Drew. It is only temporary until I can find another place, and it is not going too well. Things are not going well between us period. But I will post that soon. For now, I thought I would tell you about my day yesterday, with a few minor details from the recent past that added to it.
So if you have read my previous blogs, you know that my ex is a psycho freak. He has a new "girlfriend" (I wonder how long she will hang around, not getting laid) and she apparently is quite good with guns. My ex and her shared with my boys (both under the age of 10) that she is really good with sniper rifles, she had training, and could shoot mommy from a mile away and nobody would ever know who did it. She proceeded to tell them about Mach 10 rifles and 50 caliber pistols that she shot as well. Then my older of the 2 boys was on the internet and wanted to see what these guns looked like, so he began to google them. His dad put a big halt to that - good, right? Not so much. He told them that he could not look that stuff up on the internet, because when something does happen to his mom, they would come looking for him. Newsflash dumbass - they already will. I have a restraining order against him, which he has violated a bunch, he has gotten arrested twice for violating (should have been more), he is on probation, there is also a no contact order, and I work very closely with the police and report everything he does to harass us. Recently, he has also fucked with the gas line to Drew's house, turned the BBQ on, which exploded in Drew's face, and has been stalking us non-stop.
So Sunday, we took the kids for a walk, and of course, my ex drives right by with 3 minutes of us leaving the house, and as soon as he realizes I saw him, he speeds away. I, of course made a report, since he is not allowed to be that close to the house, and he was clearly watching us. We live in an area that he would never come to, except to stalk or harass us.
Needless to say, I have been more than a little stressed out.
So here we get to yesterday:
I get the kids all off to school. It was a shitty schedule in the morning, being as that my daughter got to be at school less than an hour before a doctors appointment, but hey, an hour of quiet time, is sometimes very much needed!
So I go out to get in the car, and realize that I have 4 flat tires. Accidental? Not likely. I am already running late, so I quickly go air them up, go get my daughter, and one was almost completely flat again. I also had to pick up my son because he gets out too early, and her appointment was going to take too long. So I go pick him up, go re-air up my tires, (of course had to go to 3 gas stations to find one available) and go to her appointment. We walk through the door, only to hear "her appointment was rescheduled for next week". WHAT??? So, we go back to the car to find a tire with air escaping quickly. I decided to just take it Les Schwab right then. I Walk in the door, with a ton of L.S. receipts in hand, only to find out that I have been deleted from their system. This was not coincidence. My used-to-be best friend is now best friends with my ex, and her BF was a Les Schwab manager. However, they were nice, fixed my tires, and I was on my way. I took my daughter back to school, then took meds to 2 others that I had forgotten to give them in the morning (where 3 people said "you do not look so good", "you looked stressed, and "are you ok"?), and started to go home to take a breather. Not so fast. My youngest tells me on the way home that when they were playing ball on the playground, 2 boys told his brother that they were going to get a shot gun and kill him. Ok - phone in hand, I called the school and demanded that be dealt with. I will say that the principal was amazingly efficient and effective and did her job well. She even complimented my older boy at how observant he was since he had to pick them out of pictures, and my youngest at how fast he told mommy what happened. :)
Unfortunately, the principal called me right as I had just fallen asleep. uugghhh! Oh well, atleast she dealt with it. By then, it was time to get ready to go pick up the kids and take them to their counselor. It is always joyful to hear how they love their dad so much, and can not wait to see him again. As much as I hate that, I will continue to let them feel how they need/want to feel about the douchebag. Anyway, we got home about 6, I fixed dinner, we ate, and right as they are going to bed I hear "mom, I forgot to do my homework". UUGGHH!!! I simply had nothing more in me. I replied "not my problem, I will get you up early in the morning - good night".
I am so tired, stressed out, and really need a break.

Thanks for reading :)

The one year anniversary

Drew and I met one year ago on Saturday. It was a special day to me, and I made that pretty clear to him. (In over 10 years of marriage, I never got to celebrate our anniversary, and he usually forgot, along with my birthday - but that's a different chapter) We talked a week ago about what we would do to celebrate, and he said we would go back to the place where we first met. How sweet and romantic. Well, he stayed home Friday night, so we did not get to wake up next to each other Saturday morning. Then he sends me this "I am going to be really busy the next few weeks, so don't expect much out of me" email first thing Saturday morning, without so much as a good morning included. WTF?? Ok, he finally said he would be over around 1:00. So I made sure the house was clean, I had a babysitter lined up, got all showered, and went and bought him a gift. He finally shows up about an hour late in sweats and a t-shirt. No hug or kiss, and certainly no flowers or gifts. I did not say anything him, thinking he was going to surprise me later. We took the kids out bike riding for a while, and still nothing. Finally he made a few comments to the kids about getting movies for him and I to watch, and that maybe we would go out, so if they go to bed early it would be fine with him. Whew... finally my brain was relaxing. He remembered!! He asked what I had planned for dinner, and I told him I did not plan anything because I did not know what plans he had. He said he had no plans and then he started drinking. Uh oh. If he was drinking, he clearly was not planning on driving. Ok, maybe he wanted to have a nice romantic dinner and just cuddle on the couch. I went to the store and bought ingredients for lemon drops. By now, I was really irritated and frustrated. Not only was he not planning on going out, he had not even acknowledged the day yet. When I got back home, I drank some wine with him, a couple lemon drops, and then more wine. We ate dinner, and when the kids went to bed, he went to the couch, layed down, and started watching tv. I could not hold it in any longer. I was angry. I finally said, " There is no good answer here. You have 2 choices. Either you are an asshole that just does not feel that it is important enough to acknowledge, or you are an asshole that just completely forgot - your choice". His reply "about what"? My reply: "THE DAY" (screaming loudly). He simply said "sorry, I forgot". Sorry babe, not good enough. I am still so angry at him. He acknowledges that he fucked up and should have made it more special for me, but somehow that is just not good enough. He asked if I wanted him to try to make it up to me. Umm... no thanks. First of all, it was THAT ONE DAY that was special, and second... do not ASK a girl if she wants you to do that. Do it on your own you fucking moron! I had bought him a book that he wanted, and enclosed a hand written note inside. When he finally unwrapped his gift, I took the note out before he could see it and crumpled it up. That upset him. He said it was pretty fucked and wanted to read it. Maybe it was fucked, but not a chance in hell.
I am so angry at him. He knows I hate holidays, and birthdays, and I have a really hard time celebrating them. So for me to have made a point of telling him that this was special and something I wanted to celebrate, should have made it important to him too, right? Atleast a priority, maybe. Am I just unrealistic? I have never received a birthday or christmas gift until this past year (from my parents, now that we don't talk - yeah another chapter). My family always excluded me, and just bought everyone else gifts. I could never figure out why. Even as a child, my sister would get gifts, but not me. So I had higher expectations of Drew. He keeps telling me that I need a new start to holidays, where they are made special, so I thought just maybe, he would do just that. Apparently not.
I am open to suggestions. I need advice. Am I rightfully angry? Should I just forgive, forget, and move on? Ok, I will stop venting, for now.

Thanks for reading

The flip side of him - not so positives

So here is the history of what we have been lately. He pays my bills, buys me whatever I need, fixes meals for me and my kids, stays the night 28/30 nights, diciplines my kids, praises them, and when he is here, we are an absolute picture perfect family (ok - minus the BS of my ex). Even he admits that. But...... he is not ready to make a committment. WHAT??? He finally admits we are in a relationship, but c'mon, I have kids to think about. He is absolutely their "step-dad", without the marriage. They trust him, they love him, they cry when he is not here, and he even goes as far as to come over at the drop of a hat, "just because the kids want him to be here" if it is a night he was planning on staying home. So I am conflicted as to what to do. Do I end the relationship part of things and just be friends? We have talked a lot about us and the future and what he wants. The problem is he always says "I don't know". He won't give me any straight answers. Also, he has a few online "girlfriends" (no sex, but definitely sex talk) that he opens up to. I have read some of his emails when I was snooping, and I am so pissed that he will open up to them about his feelings for me, but not to me. Although when he was confronted, he says it was just telling them what they wanted to hear, and that is not how he really feels. But anyone that he was honest with would think he was stupid for sticking around with me and supporting me and my kids. Great! That makes me feel so much better!!! To make things more confusing, I am in the process of finding a new house. My current landlord just had his house foreclosed on, and wants to move in here. So, I tell Drew and what does Drew say? He names off 5 options, of which 3 were us living together as a family. So, of course I assume that must be something he either wants, or atleast is strongly considering. Wrong! He makes this list of all these pros and cons why he should or should not live with us. Then he decides he is just not ready. I have to be honest and tell you that I feel like he is playing mind games with me. He has said he does not know if he will ever want to live with us, and the majority of the reason he is with me is out of obligation because he "convinced me" to leave my abusive marriage. Yes my marriage was bad. Yes I needed to get me and my kids out of there. Yes I am relieved every day to not be getting beaten up or burned. Yes, I will forever love Drew for his help. But for fucks sakes. Don't stay with me, and say you love me, and be a dad to my kids, out of obligation. How is what he is doing NOT emotionally abusive? Am I just really over sensitive? He did not even have the balls to tell me he did not want to live with us. He names off the options, and the pros and cons, and then says "so I don't know what to do and I have not made any decisions". Oh great. So he is sitting around thinking about how NOT to tell me, and in the meantime, my life is on hold. I don't know what size of a house to look for, or what location to look in. In my mind, he seemed to be wanting to be a family. So I was looking in his neghborhood and at places that had an office for him, and now I have to start all over again, looking for a place in my neighborhood, where the kids can stay in their same schools, and apparently does not need an office. How the fuck do we read men? They think women are hard to read? Atleast for the most part, we speak our minds. They may not like it, but we do. Atleast I do. It is frustrating, and irritating. I know a lot of you will say, just leave him, but c'mon - the sex is really really good. And..... that seems to be all he wants from me. (yeah, another negative) I wish he wanted more. Ok - I will make our sex life the next chapter. Everyone loves that subject :)

In the meantime, he came over last night, and made the comment that the kids ignored him. He had stayed home the night before, and I told him they do not understand why he is not here sometimes. (again, only about 2 nights a month does he stay home, so to the kids, he lives here) He said it was only one night. I said it may as well be a week. They don't understand why you choose to not be here some nights. His response - "well if a day is the same as a week, I may as well stay gone a week next time". I was mad and hurt and angry. I told him here are your keys, and there is the door. What else should I have said?
Am I doing harm to my kids by letting him be around so much when he has no idea what he wants? Am I just hoping for the impossible? I am open to advice readers. Tell me what you would do?

Thanks for reading. Too boring yet? There is plenty more to come.